You really coming over, don't trick.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
