I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
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