Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Randomize