I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
