hell yes lets make some ravioli
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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