I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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