Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
