dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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