No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
So many bounce houses so little time
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
