just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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