She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
