then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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