How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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