I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
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