In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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