I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
