If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
