Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Randomize
