The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
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