I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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