My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
