he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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