btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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