i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
