Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
