If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
