My girlfriend figured out who you are.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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