you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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