Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Randomize
