No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
My ass is underappreciated
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
