i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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