Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
