Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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