great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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