At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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