i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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