i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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