If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize