Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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