so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Randomize
