Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
