Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Randomize
