I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
