does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
