I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
