next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
