it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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