Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
