just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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