Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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