My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
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