what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
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