whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
