so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I take back everything I said about communal showers
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
